Monday, June 30, 2008

Finally on the mend

We'll it's been a long weekend with Carson. He ended up having another asthma attack last night and again tonight. He sounds pretty good now but I will keep him in my bed just to be sure.

Saturday I stayed home and continued to battle Carson with his high fever and no sleep. Coltan and Cody helped me out during the day and then Charlie finally came down around 7:30 to help out. I got take out for dinner and we ended up watching Rambo on pay per view. I fought Carson to go to sleep and I think he stayed up until about 11:30 and Charlie left before that. Then Carson woke up around 1:45 and we rocked until almost 3:00. I finally got him to sleep and next thing I knew, it was Sunday morning and the doorbell was ringing. Chris came at 9:30 to pick up Coltan and Cody for his weekend. I laid back down but Carson was up soon after. His temperature was finally low (never over 100) but now I couldn't get him to eat or drink. He is barely having 3 slightly wet diapers. The doctor said if he didn't have at least 3 in a 24 hour period, he needed to come in for an IV. I guess I was lucky for the third diaper in the 22nd hour. We ended up having an uneventful night until about 6:30 when he started wheezing. I gave him 2 puffs of abutural while I was hooking up the nebulizer. I gave him a breathing treatment and then decided he sounded a lot more clear. I think that tuckered him out because he actually went to sleep by 10:00.

Of course, he did get up a couple of times but nothing to bad. Just enough for me to lay back down and try to fall asleep again. Today is the first day he started eating and drinking more. I think before 10:30 he had already drank 24 oz of milk. He didn't eat to well. Just a couple of grapes that I cut up but hey I'll take it. Then I made us a pizza for lunch and he had about 4 bites and was pretty much done. He did snack on some goldfish crackers but not very many. Then for dinner, 1 whole chicken nugget. So, now I need to get him to eat.

So now for my venting. I don't usually do this but right now I'm just so frustrated. I really have hard days being a single mother. I have taken care of Carson day and night by myself with little or no help. It's not up to Coltan and Cody to help out. It is Carson's dad. I just can't make him understand that I need help. He worked his real job through Thursday and I didn't bother him. I just accepted that it needed to be me taking care of him. But then when I asked him for help Thursday night, he said he would come down after a meeting. His meeting was over at 7:00 and I called from 7:30-9:30 and finally gave up. All while Carson had a 105.1 temp and an asthma attack. I finally text him and I'm sure it wasn't very nice. He called me back and didn't know that I still needed him so he went home and mowed the lawn. Hello, your son is sick...... So then I texted him Friday morning and asked for a little help so I could actually get one day of work in and he said no he was doing a side job and he has to work those so he can give me money. What about my bills? I'm expected to take care of Carson all the time and not go to work so I can get paid? Saturday he finally comes down at 7:30 and we had an agreement that he would come down Sunday after his side job. I called him Sunday morning and told him that I hadn't had much sleep and would he just plan on spending the night and helping me out. He said he would just take Carson to his house and he could spend the night there. I said just forget it and hung up. I'm just not comfortable with Carson being out of my sight when he is this sick. So Sunday night around 6:30, Carson is having yet another asthma attack and now I'm trying Charlie for 1 hour and 20 minutes. I finally sent him a text. He calls back a half hour later and said he didn't think I still wanted him to come down and he was almost home. I couldn't believe his insensitivity. So this morning at 9:30, he calls and now that Carson is feeling better, he wants to spend the day with him. I told him no. I'm real tired of Charlie spending very few hours with him on average once a week and only when it's convenient for him. Am I wrong to feel like this? I didn't even ask for money from him until Carson was 2 months shy of turning 2. I gave him toys, a dvd player, a bed rail, movie camera and whatever else for his house so Carson could go over there and play with the things he likes. Charlie's 13 year old daughter took over the second and third room in his house until about 2 months ago and Carson still doesn't really have a bedroom that is his. She still has things of hers in there and he has a computer in there. He refuses to buy a crib for him and the last time he spent the night, Carson woke up about 4 in the morning and was scared and was walking around the house trying to find Charlie's room. He has spent the night a total of two times with Charlie and of course he says that is my fault as well. So, I bought one of those bed rails at Wal Mart for the twin bed that Charlie chooses to have Carson sleep on and he won't even put that out. Charlie has no idea what medicine's Carson takes and states I just need to write it down. He has spent other days over there and Charlie for one reason or another didn't give Carson his breathing treatments or forgot other medicines. So I'm forced to call him every few hours to make sure Carson is staying on his routine. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm supposed to take care of Carson 100%. Out of all of Carson's dr appts., I would say Charlie has been to about 5 of them. I can even tell you which ones. I want to be acknowledged for the hard work that I do. I want him to show me a little respect and appreciate my effort in raising Carson. I have told him numerous times that Carson needs a dad not someone to come by once a week and entertain him. Charlie needs to experience parenthood with all of the ups and downs. That means he needs to see Carson when he is sick. When he is scared, or when he has another asthma attack. I was actually trying to think of how many times Charlie has been present for the breathing machine. Not very many. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent. Don't get me wrong, I love Carson with all of my heart, it's just that I'm weak and asking for help and Charlie thinks because I'm bitching about his lack of parenting that he is going to "punish me" and not help at all. I just need to feel like he knows I'm doing a good job with Carson and he is thankful that I do so he can live his single life as he pleases.


Kyle, Aimee & Ava said...

I don't think that you're wrong for feeling the way that you do. It sounds like you're more frustrated that Charlie doesn't seem to want to take an active role in parenting Carson. Does he have more to do with his 13 year old daughter? One thing that Charlie needs to understand and this is going to be very hard for him is that Carson needs consistency, not just someone that wants to come and go as he pleases. It takes a lot more then just showing up once a week to be a father.

The thing that you need to do and this is easier said then done is don't let Charlie know he is getting to you. Most men are alike and get pleasure from knowing that you're upset and they thrive on the fact that they pissed you off!

Good luck and remember, you're a great mother!!!!!

Kaden and Angel Ava's mommy said...

I don't blame you for being so frustrated. With all of what you posted on top of lack of sleep, it is very much expected.

I think it is hard as a mother to want to be away from your baby when they are sick, but hard for a father to understand that feeling. Nate and I are together and I still get that's a mommy thing. I hope that Charlie starts getting "it" and realizes that if he wants to be a part of Carson's life, he needs to be a part of it...for sickness and health (I know, that is a part of wedding vows, but it's seems appropriate).

I hope that you start getting some rest in.

Thinking of you,

Amie said...

I got the message you posted on my blog. I read a little into your story and can see that you have the frustrations and fears of most mothers with an ill child, plus some. I know for our family, it was incredibly hard with two parents. I can't imagine not having support. I'm so sorry. Thanks for dropping by my blog. Please stay in contact. And good luck with everything!! :)

Rachel said...

You should not care what Charlie thinks of you as a mother!!! Do not try to please him. You are the one doing it all and Carson will very much appreciate that one day and see that you were the one there for him, not his father. You know, I dont post much about my ex on my blog due to past domestic violence done to me, however, you would not believe what i go through with my boys father. I have learned to LET IT GO!!! He is the one that looks like the idiot and the bad daddy. He is the one not trying and NOBODY can make him a better father. Same with Charlie. You can't make him a better can just be a better Mommy and the kids will ALL see that and love you so unconditionally for all you have done. Especially Carson. I completely understand your frustration, but do the best you can out of your circumstances and thats all you can do. Let Charlie day he will realize what he missed with his son and he will have to live with that for the rest of his life.
Can you tell I have been through this?

Love a girl...your doing great!


Rachel said...

I meant to say Love ya girl...goodness I'm goofy.