The trials of my life

Why is it that when we finally get rid of one set of problems, another one replaces it? I keep asking myself this and just cannot find the answer. I completely understand that there are other kids that are much more ill than Carson and I should feel blessed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very blessed to have all three of my boys in my life. I'm just feeling down on my luck right now.

Charlie has been over here everyday this week and I'm very happy that I have gotten that kind of commitment. He actually ended up spending the night last night because Carson did pull out his NG tube in his sleep. Last night we had to replace the tape on it and with the help of Cody and Charlie, I was able to get it done. Carson would holler through his crying that he loved us and please stop. Carson had put up a real big fight and then he just passed out. Charlie picked him up after I was done and he woke up and was crying. Charlie did get him settled down and about 10PM he fell asleep. I still had two more feedings to give him. I gave him the first one around 11 PM and Charlie and Carson slept through all of it. Then the last one was around 3AM and I started it and laid down. Around 4AM Charlie woke me up to tell me that his NG tube was completely out. I'm not sure what happened because I taped it pretty good. So instead of waking him up, I thought it would be better to wait until morning. I asked Charlie if the feeding was done because if not, it would leak everywhere and he checked. Somehow when he got up, it woke up Carson and he was scared to say the least. It took us til almost 6AM to get him to go back to sleep. He would start to close his eyes and then he would open them and tell Charlie or I that he loved us. Then he would close his eyes and open and tell the other parent he loved them. I just cannot tell you how sad I am to watch him be so petrified.

He slept in til almost 10AM and I just wanted him to sleep because I know he is so stressed out. Charlie did get him to eat enough cereal with a lot of milk on each spoon that we felt confident enough not to have to feed him through the tube. So that was some of the best news yet. Then I had an appointment with Carson to check his iron level at 2PM so Charlie and I waited until 1:30 to put the NG tube back in. Charlie was planning on leaving after that. It was a little bit of a struggle and then Carson got real quiet and passed out again. When he woke up I asked him if he was ready to leave and he wanted his daddy. So Charlie said he would go with us which was good since they were doing a finger poke. The appointment didn't last that long and his iron level is 11.5. They wanted him to be at least an 11 so we passed. I'm sure that the Pedisure helped out a lot to boost that number up so we were in the clear for that.

When we got home, Charlie was able to get Carson to eat a peach cup, one hot dog, and some chips. We weren't so lucky with getting him to drink so we had to hook him up to the feeding pump. As he was sitting in his chair, Carson gave up and fell asleep. This is something that doesn't happen often very often. Well it only lasted about 30 minutes. Charlie left when he fell asleep because he hadn't seen his girlfriend in 4 days. When Carson woke up we struggled with the fact that he wanted his daddy and I lied and told him daddy had to go to work. So here I am trying to help Carson out and I just feel so bad for him because now we are in the middle of a meltdown.

So around 5:30 Carson pulled part of the NG tube out. Not completely and I placed it back down into his stomach and taped it back up. Carson went limp again. My niece showed up and Carson woke up long enough to call out Daddy. I told him no it was Appy. He justed went limp again. I placed him on the couch and he just laid there. His eyes were open and he was just staring into space. I called home health and had them paged. In the meantime Aspen called my mother who in return called Charlie. Charlie called me and I was pretty upset at this point because Carson just wasn't acting right. All Charlie could say was call me later and let me know what they nurse says. Aspen left and I sat there for a couple of minutes trying to get Carson to snap out of it. Finally the nurse called and said hang up and dial 911. Luckily the fire station is less than a mile from my house and they were here in under 2 minutes. 3 fireman and 2 paramedics walk into my house and it took them a few minutes to get Carson up and around. When he came to, he started crying for his daddy. I ended up going to school with the medic so it became more personal for him. He took very good care of my baby. Carson was so out of it that they wanted to poke his toe and get a blood sugar and Carson just laid there and didn't even have a reaction. I called Charlie and told him that the nurse had me dial 911 and left it at that. Charlie called while the medics were here and I told him we were heading back to Children's via ambulance.

Now Children's is about a 30 minute drive and Carson finally started perking up which made me feel so much better. They had him hooked up to an EKG and his heart was going a little fast. It was running about 150 and his pulse ox was 92. While in route his heart slowed down to 120 and pulse ox came up to 95-96. When we got to the hospital, Medic Jim carried Carson in and stayed with us for about 30 minutes. You could tell he was really concerned about my little boy. Carson and Jim have a date at the firehouse in a few days to get his picture taking with the fire truck!!

So Charlie shows up after 8:00 and the first thing out of his mouth is "Carson doesn't look sick to me". I said well his sinkable episode happened over two hours ago. So then I asked him if he happened to have his car seat with him and he said no. I told him that I didn't have mine either. He asked me why not and I said I came in the ambulance. Charlie then gets rude and tells me that he didn't think his insurance would pay for that and I should have drove him myself. Now I'm going to have a 800.00 ambulance bill. Um hello, should I be worried about Carson's health or the possibility of him having an ambulance bill? So finally I said to him that he shouldn't be mad about my decision. I was by myself and I had to make this decision alone. If he didn't like it maybe he should have been there with me to help me. He told me to shut my mouth while I was ahead. So his disrespect and uncompassion for his son's health continued and I finally just told him I was sorry that I ruined his evening with his girlfriend and that he didn't need to be there. Not once did he act concerned that something was really wrong with Carson. He told me that when my mom called him to tell her that she was en route he said he was with his daughter having dinner and would drop her off and come down. So while in the hospital I asked him if he had a good dinner with her and he shrugged his shoulders. I asked him if he told her that Carson was really sick and he said yes. I asked if she looked concern and he said no. So basically she doesn't care at all. He even implied that she was mad because he had to cut his date short with her to come to the hospital. My two boys found out last night and Cody was on the phone crying wanting to make sure his baby brother was okay. So anyways Charlie told me that he thought it was awful coincidental that he left to go see his girlfriend and then my son has a mysterious fainting attack. I told him that I was insulted that he would even think I would drum up something and I told him not to flatter himself that I wouldn't have gone to the extreme of calling an ambulance just to ruin his date with his girlfriend. All he did this morning was complain that Andrea doesn't like me being down here so much and now I have to explain to her why I spent the night. She isn't going to be happy. I simply told him that she "knew" about me for the last three years and she knew we had a son together. She knew what she was getting herself into and if she can't handle it, move on. I told Charlie that if wants to stand in my house and defend her, get out. So he thought because of this previous conversation that I was making up the whole fainting spell with Carson. Long story short, I ended up taking Carson to the nurses station and asked for security to be called. Charlie left screaming at me that I was crazy and the reason he cheated on me was because I'm worthless. Then he said he was never giving me another penny again and we were done and he didn't care less about Carson. Carson then had a complete meltdown and couldn't' catch his breath. The nurse brought in a nasal cannula and put him on low oxygen until he calmed down.

So here is the kicker, Carson had apparently gotten ahold of a house hold cleaner with bleach and somehow ingested it. There really WAS a reason for Carson's unusual behavior. They ended up taking a syringe and pulling out his stomach contents and gave him some stuff to drink. We then did a urine and then we were discharged. So see, I didn't make all of this up so Charlie could have his evening cut short with his daughter and girlfriend. The kicker in all of this........Carson would have ingested it while Charlie was still with us. When I did his feed, it pushed whatever it was down into his stomach and that is where Carson started showing signs.

So I going to pray today that I can now take care of Carson by myself. Charlie doesn't believe that it could be psychological but I have a child psychologist, my primary doctor, and even his brother who also is a doctor all agree. The feeding team was paged last night and they think it is probably best that Charlie keeps his distance. He is absolutely an unstable person in his life. He told me last night that Carson is a priority but so is Andrea. So if she has to come before Carson and his treatment, then he needs to stay away. The sad thing is now Carson has already had a relapse and I haven't had him eat or drink since Charlie has been gone. He wouldn't even eat Lucky Charms for me and now he tells me that water taste nasty.

I know that Carson can overcome this. I will put all of my energy in this and God will guide me through it. As I have said many times, this too shall pass.